being home alone just means masturbating and singing louder than normal
(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
Love, Dad.” —
Big Poppa E., “How To Make Love” (via perfect)
preach brother, PREACH. step 8. fuck yeah
I’m not trying to blame the victim but maybe if Hogwarts hadn’t have had basilisk sized pipes they wouldn’t have had such a major basilisk problem.
- Doctor Who: I would like to call this meeting to-
- Lord of the Rings: Why are you in charge? I mean, your show is the oldest, but I was around a decade before you, and Sherlock Holmes has been around since the 1880's. If we're going off fandom age, Doctor, Sherlock should be in charge.
- Doctor Who: You're usually the rational one, but have you gone mad? Because of BBC, Sherlock is, well, not like he used to be.
- Sherlock: *sitting in the corner rocking back and forth* 18 months, 18 months, 18 months, 18 months, 18 months, 18 months-
- Harry Potter: We know Sherlock, we know. It's been almost 2 years for us too, except we've finished, You have somehing left at least. We don't.
- Doctor Who: If you don't mind, we have an issue we need to discuss-
- Supernatural: If you're all quite done being English, the Doctor has something to say!
- Avengers: Calm down SPN, it isn't the end of the World he's announcing. But if it is, I know some great heroes that can help you out.
- Hetalia: America's the hero! He'll save you!
- Black Butler: Promise a demon your soul and you won't need heroes, he'll save you.
- Supernatural: Did somebody say demon?! *salt at the ready*
- Doctor Who: There's something really important I need to tell you!
- Sherlock: 18 months, 18 months, 18 months, 18 months, 18 months-
- Supernatural: Is he possessed? I mean, my show had it's season finale recently and I'm not like that!
- Sherlock: *jumps on the table* Your eye is twitching, a sign of nerves, and you looked up into the upper left corner of your eye before saying that, only for a second, but it's enough to prove you're lying. You have been in the state or hysetria that I'm currently in, you're just good at hiding your emotions!
- Glee: *breaks into song*
- Everyone else: Fuck off Glee
- Lord of the Rings: He's doing it again. Sherlock, that's enough deducting for now. Last time, you found out that Homestuck and Hetalia have a 'mutual respect' thing going on.
- Homestuck: People hate on our fandoms, we stick together. We never made it not obvious.
- Hetalia: We're moirails, where have you guys been? (pases Homestuck some pasta)
- Doctor Who: IF WE ARE ALL QUITE DONE! *cough* Are we just going to ignore him in the seat near the end of the table?
- *everyone looks to said seat*
- Hannibal: Hello, my name is Hannibal. My show is new. I brought food if anybody would like some? I made it myself.
Alright so I’m lost here. I thought I was being very considerate and open minded. I would highly appreciate you pointing out specific posts or comments that I have made to upset you. If I don’t agree or don’t seem to grasp what you’re saying in my future posts ten you can feel free to unfollow me and if it continues to upset you I will unfollow you as we’ll so you don’t have to put up with notifications from me.
If it helps any, I like your blog and would encourage my followers to follow you.
i’ve seen alot of posts on this site making fun of emos, and, i would just like to give my two sense about the whole thing:
1. emos aren’t stupid, they lay some of the biggest eggs of many birds
2. emos ca’nt fly, so it makes them feel bad when you insult them, because again, they can’t fly away to feel better
3. emos have a very large wingspan
emus i think you’re thinking of emus
my ad for beauty products
girls putting makeup on like warpaint and kicking people in the face
old ladies wearing eyeshadow and getting flocked by hunks who carry them away and crown them queens of their own country
girls putting on makeup and then just sitting and eating doritos in front of the computer all day because fuck it that shits for you
ANYTHING IS BETTER THAN PLINKY-PLONKY MUSIC AND EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION AND BEING CONDESCENDED TO
And he said he lost his virginity at 16, and the girl went around saying it didn’t happen?
HE WAS TALKING ABOUT THE VIRGIN MARY